no, mum and dad are not here

what??

2007-05-08T01:08:00.000-07:00

there has to be a balance between everything, so does that mean you can't wholeheartedly trust people, that you always have to leave room for the shred of possibility that they're a knife-wielding, blood-spitting, animal-hating child murderer?

i like to believe people, i like to believe things are possible, but maybe that's a problem. i end up being lazy because i always believe things will work themselves out, and perhaps i don't do much to salvage it. ok that just sounded ridiculous.

i'm bad at this thinking thing. goodness me, this post is horrendous.

the last kiss

2007-04-24T16:39:00.000-07:00

"i love her steven, i realise now i love her more than i will ever love anybody else."

"stop talking about love, every asshole in the world says he loves somebody. means nothing."

"it's true."

"still doesn't mean anything! what you feel only matters to you, it's what you do to the people you say you love, that's what matters. it's the only thing that counts."

where's the meaning in that

2007-04-10T16:24:00.000-07:00

it doesn't mean anything.

half the things we say don't really mean anything.

i'm sorry. are you really? i don't think so.

if you were, it won't be so easy to say.

(by the way, just to clear things up, i haven't been harmed by love or anything stupid like that, i did not get beaten up by my boyfriend, broke up and then took him back. it's just for the impact.)

jam and thoughts

2007-03-25T16:38:00.000-07:00

because you stop thinking
to stop feeling
until nothing matters anymore

nothing's more important than the next
everything weighs the same
there are no differences
no standards
no judgements

days flow by like water
time means nothing
it moves it stops
but there's no change

you stop thinking to stop feeling
i turn to stone
nothing bothers me and nothing excites me
i don't care
i can't care

so it's you
i could let it mean something
but if i do i start thinking
so i don't
but i just end up waiting

so it's you
so what.

am i crazy!!

2007-03-25T12:51:00.000-07:00

yo, ok so who was the one with a genius idea to set up an online magazine??!
is it going to trigger a cash inflow??
i have no idea how to set up a website and just currently struggling with flash!!
upside is, i currently have 2 writers.
hmmm, it doesn't seem real until i kinda write it down.

look out for highcrass!

not so soon... i suspect it's gonna take a while. ;)

running to nowhere

2007-03-05T13:04:00.000-08:00

ok. so am i going to poland or not???

i hate waiting, why doesn't someone just tell me something!!

2007-02-26T16:59:00.000-08:00

what the fuck is this crap.

just face it.

it can't change.

it's not even such a big deal.

i'm pissed off.

i hate being pissed off.

why can't things just be easy.

i hate feeling like time doesn't move.

honestly, i'm so annoyed i could eat this light bulb.

i have no control.

just come.

it's not so hard.

2007-01-27T07:00:00.000-08:00

it's one of those days
after you pull yourself up from a night's out
three quarters of the day is gone
and you realise you didn't miss a thing

but no regrets
because the night out was great

just some photos

2007-01-14T15:41:00.000-08:00

Black and white

2006-12-20T11:32:00.000-08:00

I recently found this photographer Zhou Mi, online. He's got really lovely black and white shots, now I don't know much about the technical side of photography, colour or black and white, I only know what I like.

I love his shots because they always seem to be capturing some sort of action and not just of still life or portrait. I especially like shots with some sort of movement in them or shots that are on location and I think he's able to show fluidity and time through an instance.

One other guy I chanced upon is William Klein. Again, I don't know much about photography but I gather this guy was pretty innovative in his shots and apparently broke new waves for fashion photography. He personally did not give much for fashion and its look and like to bring his models out on location, in part also due to the fact that he did not have much studio experience.

This is really the kind of fashion photography I like: out on the streets where fashion truly lies - in people and their style, where the shot is not just about the clothes and how good the model looks but about the feeling behind the clothes.

Fashion is consumed by people and the streets and should be shot as such.

Disclaimer: I do not attempt to pretend to know much about photography, I just know what catches my eye and what I find attractive

Panic Attacks.

2006-12-19T18:33:00.000-08:00

You know I'm starting to think that I'm suddenly the black sheep of my group. Every other person is doing well, and their lives are on the way, upwards. They're moving ahead.

Me? I'm still here. Here in nowhere.

I'm not complaining, I know the consequences of my actions and I choose my own fate and all that bullshit, I'm not regretting. This is just something on my mind.

Why is it so hard for you to be sure of yourself when other people are not sure. Shouldn't you have final say in your life, and if so then why do we always let the words of others affect us.

Please, stop asking me when I'm going home (no, I'm not talking about you Cheryl) and when I'm going to graduate. This is my life, I will do things at my time.

I'm young, curious and spontaneous, even if I have nothing I still have these.

Don't take that away from me.

Foam

2006-12-18T18:03:00.000-08:00

This is my favourite museum in Amsterdam. Mainly because it doesn't deal with renaissance art, classical paintings and a bunch of history. It's modern, direct and hip. Even the interior is clean, with a kind of industrial designer feel; it's mainly large white walls and steel bars, steel staircases.

They're having The Kate Show now, which I personally think is not much to look at, although the cocaine buffet was a nice touch. Another exhibition to check out is Risk, where 12 artists share an experience of a chosen issue through photojournalism. My favourite was the one on Glasgow: Murder City of Europe (I think it's called). Here's something on one of their new exhibitions:

This offering is by Dutch photographer, Paul Kooiker, who uses the female form as an object for his fascination with perception. I haven't been to see this, but it's on till Feburary, so once I go, I'll tell you guys about it.

I already like this shot because it's so unconventional, ugly but beautiful. That's the whole thing about Amsterdam, it's just so liberal and unconventional, and it feels like there's not so much judgement hanging in the air of this city. The exterior doesn't look great, but it still draws you into the mysterious allure of the inside.

People are on the streets, they're homeless, and weird, many of them rude.
But the fact is, they're there.

They're not brought off the streets to be locked up and punished for being themselves, call it too much freedom and not enough welfare to back it up (that's actually probably what it is), but at least they're not skeletons in the closet.

Look.

2006-12-18T17:43:00.000-08:00

Oh and another thing, check out this cool advertising agency's website. It's a little quirky and out-of-the-box fun.

Definitely not your average website.

http://www.kesselskramer.com/

blog-spot

2006-12-18T17:38:00.000-08:00

Forgive the pun, I couldn't help myself.

Anyhow, I've spotted this blog online, http://likeafuckinvirgin.wordpress.com. Ok, before you go ahead and point fingers, "Eeee.. mummy look, online stalker..", I am not. In fact, friends can testify that I hardly spend any time updating my blog.

But I just thought this girl's blog is so unpretentious, down to earth and just fun, like how any young person should be spending his or her time; being yourself, taking full advantage of your youth, and not giving two shits about what other people say.

Because we're young.

3 weeks to christmas.

2006-12-05T03:58:00.000-08:00

hello everyone!

i want a new lomo camera, one with flash. it costs 60 euros.

and one more thing:

"where oh where can my baby be, the scrooge took her away from me..."

payback

2006-11-27T18:50:00.000-08:00

this stupid thing about revenge never fucking goes anywhere.

i'll buy you a boat and i don't want to save the world

2006-11-19T18:27:00.000-08:00

chris and i were talking this night and somehow stumbled upon the topic of what we'd do with any amount of million dollars if we had them. actually, he just went, you know what'd i do if i won the lottery.

but who cares what he'd do, here's what i'd do:

1. buy a boat

2. bring my mum and dad on holiday

3. buy a holiday home on the caribbeans and fly my friends there

4. take my friends and i on a MAJOR shopping spree

5. open a club

well, you get the basic idea, notice how none of the above five or any other things we're gonna do with that money involve any sort of philantrophic (i can't spell) or charitable act, and that's just it. we're materialistic. we're brought up in a materialistic world. we're conditioned this way, and if anyone tells you that they don't care about money, that's bull. they're in denial. unless you had no childhood and grew up in a dumpster or anything tragic like this, you're going to be materialistic for sure. we're a spoilt generation.

it's not a bad thing. it's not a bad thing to want to improve your life and the lives of others around you, especially of those that you love. and if you can do it with money, why the hell not. sure you could care for them, pick them wild flowers, tell them stories, cry over ice-cream, share some hugs, easy peasy. but no matter what anyone says, receiving a physical gift is always nice. a gift can come from the heart, it could be homemade you say. yeah sure, i agree. but between a handmade photoframe and a purring aston martin, i don't need to tell you which i'd choose. you'd be jumping into that car with me. hell, i'd even let you drive.

what does it feel like, i wonder, to be able to have anything in the world that you want. can you really have too much. would you know when to stop. or can you stop. is there ever enough. does it come to a point when you struggle against yourself, you think all this money you have is for something bigger, there has to be a reason. would you ever take a look at all the things you have bought in your sprawling mansion whose walls are dotted with renaissance art and tapestries (is this what rich people really buy, personally, if i were rich, i'd buy pop art. i'd buy Duchamp's urinal and put it in the living room and by all means, feel free to piss in it.) and then say i think i've had enough. and then give all your money to charity.

the questions of the rich i'd never have the luxury to mull over.

ahh... if i could strike lottery.

i don't believe in fate

2006-11-15T07:23:00.000-08:00

or destiny, or karma, or anything like that.

because when your friend has gotten involved with someone who's already involved with someone else and then got broken into and then scored a free holiday, you start to think karma doesn't exist.

but then maybe this is a sign.

2006-10-14T19:39:00.000-07:00

i'm bored. it's weird, because i shouldn't be. but somehow i feel different. i'm sitting here in a foreign land which feels strangely comfortable. for some reason i can't find anything that interests me.

which is why i found a big project. i need to prove that i'm not a fuck up. that i'm not entirely floozy. that i have some substance in my brain. i need to do this for myself.

i hope this project works, becuase this is my big ticket.

i'm repeating things i already told some people. actually just 2 people.

something is wrong, i just can't place my finger on it.

what purpose do you serve

2006-10-02T15:57:00.000-07:00

you know by the end of my stay, my white walls will be covered in a dancing flurry of black specks. dead mosquitoes.

the name game

2006-09-30T18:30:00.000-07:00

am i rejecting my roots just because i have an english name and i introduce myself as such? or are they the racist ones?

just because i am chinese and i obviously look chinese, the only immediate logical assumption is that i picked this name for myself, trying to pass off as being from the western world, conforming to the idea of 'white supremacy' as a desperate attempt to assimilate into european culture?

for some reason, unknown to me, it seems more and more that the people i talk to prefer my chinese name. its as if my look and my name has to match, it's as if i'm an inanimate object that has no choice and intelligence option as to what i want to be called. i'm not a lamp, a lamp is called a lamp, that's how we know it. but i am me. a person, living, breathing, with a working brain. so what if i picked the name karen, which i did not, it's on my passport, my parents gave me that name and i love it. and yes, i like my chinese name too, for some time i didn't i admit, but now i do. i love being chinese, and i love my name.

but somehow the chinese name doesn't sound as poetic when you say it in its 'english way'. and i think when people hear me introduce myself as li yan, they hear it as leeann. and they go oh that's a much lovelier name for you. since when did you have the right to decide which name goes better with me, it's not a necklace or a blouse, it's my name. and furthermore, you're saying it wrong. it's li yan, 2 words, not one.

but you know what, i'm just playing, i felt like writing something. i'm not making a big deal out of nothing, i just thought it was interesting. and i am gonna introduce myself as li yan from now on. that's gonna be fun.

and.... i'm out!

a familiar face

2006-09-26T18:20:00.000-07:00

sometimes i get stumped when faced with an empty page, because before i put my thoughts into words i'm thinking how do i organized my jumbled mess of ideas into a coherent and articulate piece of writing.

then i stop. eureka! i don't have to, it's a blog not an essay writing competition. although if you like to think that way then it would be a competition for 6 year olds and i would win, which honestly does not say much about my literary skills or lack thereof. but i digress, like i always do. so yes, if you're looking to read a well put together article with big words that you don't understand, then look no further. just buy newsweek. i'm just here to entertain.

my boss is now in amsterdam on a business trip, actually the whole gang will arrive on thursday morning and we are going to have an awesome time. there already are parties and events lined up for these guys and belive me, i'm going to try my absolute best to crash all of these events and get drunk and high with cute race car drivers. (god please let them be cute) on a sappy note, it was really nice to see anand again and have a good chat. like chris said, it's always nice to see someone from home.

before i met anand, i was trying hard to finish my numerous small assignments yesterday night and then i realised halfway through that it was my first night in since stepping foot in the land of canals. amazing. and it was nice, just a chill out night, me and virgin radio fighting the sleep demon and its yawn attacks.

i have no crazy stories at the moment, but i do know a ton of gossip though. ooooh i love gossip, it makes life worth living, and please don't take me at face value for this. i do not live for gossip, but boy do i love those bitchy moments.

just this night, girl A said that she finished 2 boxes of cruesli in one sitting, albeit 3 hours long. but still, 2 boxes of cruesli. where does that girl put it? i guess when your heart's pumping so fast from the adrenalin (read: hash), you burn it all off faster.

hmmm, maybe that can be the new diet. presenting the new diet of the moment. hash bonbons. sastify that sweet tooth and drop pounds in the blink of an eye. just take a bonbon after every meal, 3 times a day. satisfaction and happiness guaranteed. note: nausea is normal and do not reject emesis.

pictures!

2006-09-23T20:38:00.000-07:00

dancing in the PHK courtyard
feeding richie weed
conquering a boat
grafitti all over the elevator walls
old disgusting man

how much can you give

2006-09-23T20:05:00.000-07:00

how can you love someone so much you're willing to change everything.

erase the past to start a new one.

change your face.

dye your hair.

burn away your fingerprints.

you can't spell cruseli without crack

2006-09-22T21:21:00.000-07:00

cruseli. it's the greatest!

when you're high, cruseli is the ultimate fix. it just gets you. i swear that cruseli is addictive, it's like museli with crack. little crack clusters floating in your bowl of milk.

today's late night hang out session turned into a good 10 mins of profound insight into the cruseli obsession. chris came up with most of the 'findings', of course, they were all sexual (a side effect of his impending lose of this bet him and his roommate, richie, has. by the end of the month, which is in about a week's time, the one who hasn't got laid would have to make a trip down to the red light district). so of course chris is all crazy, his hormones raging inside him, and this bet has made it worse, so now every girl is a potential. but anyways, back to the cruseli.

so there were many jokes.

chris: you'd just get a bowl of cruseli right with a spoon, give it to a prostitute, pay her 50 euros
to eat it, then sit in one corner and jerk off! hell, bring a box of cruseli, dump it on her then arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh lick that shit off!

that was the funniest thing i've ever heard, of course i was flying high in the sky, and everything was funny. remi snapping his fingers at me just triggered me off, it was like on cue.

really, it's an amazing feeling to feel so happy.

2006-09-19T16:53:00.000-07:00

i realised i haven't updated this blog in a while, so i decided to do it twice in one night.

i've been great, for all who are wondering, or for those who care.

i was sittng on the bridge yesterday with sebastian, smoking, at night. and at that moment i felt so free, honestly, literally free from physical restrains, and mentally free. for that one moment, i was so relaxed. it was absolutely divine.

i love this place, i don't want to go back in feburary, or whenever it is that i have to go home. the life here is so independent and vigorous.

i love riding on my bike, not that it's a great bike or looks really pretty, i love that feeling when your'e on the bike, the cold wind freezing your face up, going somewhere yet going nowhere. there's just something so poignant about it.

need your help

2006-09-19T16:35:00.000-07:00

i'm gonna write a book.

so here's what i need, and you guys can help, i'll mention your name in my book, that is tentatively going to be callled "Excuse me, i don't mean to bother you but i'm absolutely unable to lick my balls"

if you know of any special moves that you have to get chicks, please tell me. it could be your move, your mate's move, any thing.

p.s. you would be contributing largely to the field of cultural and gender studies with your input.

please spread the word around, and really, i want to know.

email : karenheng@gmail.com

put your hands up for detriot, i love this city

2006-09-02T20:29:00.000-07:00

amsterdam is cool.

many weird people.

good parties, every day of the week.

club 11, just a 5 min walk away.

straining to decipher a scottish accent.

hanging out with whom i believe is a borderline klepto, but he gets me my pebbles and pepper.

100 euros to bribe a bouncer.

tipping the bouncer.

le teeth.

hoping my roommate will show up tomorrow.

it's just cool.

welcome to weedville

2006-08-29T15:29:00.000-07:00

first day in amsterdam.

junkies. one in particular, a young dude dressed in a dark green pullover with denim berms, apparently hangs out at the residence where i stay. it's really the first time i've encountered a junkie. it's nothing big, i was sitting with some people at the courtyard and he came up to ask for a cigarette. and i found out he always hangs out here, they've called the police but so far nothing's been done, give him a cig and he's harmless, although he did threaten to attack a security guard with a pole (how big or how sharp i'm unclear about).

apart from getting lost and walking around looking for the accomodation office, i'd say the first day here was pretty good. met some people, the RA is living on my floor, and a brit guy who's been nothing short of extremely helpful. he's been here already for 5 days and seems to really know the area around. plus he seems to be real good fun.

things are gonna be good... heh heh

ching chong

2006-08-18T11:38:00.000-07:00

hidee-ho people!

it's time for the big update, and this time, i promise to stay focused and give you guys a good story.

i was gone for 10 days, to prague in the czech republic (just making it clear for pris haha) and split and dubrovnik in croatia.

just like you've heard from everyone, prague is a beautiful city, but i wasn't so swayed by it. i don't know why. don't get me wrong, the architecture was amazing, cobbled stones, old buildings, gorgeous cathedrals... baroque i believe. as you know i'm not so cultured, i can tell you about the clubbing though. and i will, in a bit. i think most of the time we just sat by the street cafes and soaked in the atmosphere, trying to blend in. just a nice way to say that we were really lazy, woke up late everyday, and weren't interested in the 10 000 churches and walking tours that were offered. think about it, coffee and conversation or hiking and perspiration. i'd take the former anyday. maybe i should also take this chance to tell you now that i've become incredibly sedentary (someone please tell me how to spell this), i'm three-quarters a duckie.

just like all over europe, the cobbled streets are lined with cafes, their chairs facing the street so you can bask in the sun, and engage in mindless chatter with your companion about the people and dogs walking by. it's ridiculous how fast time passes when you're doing nothing. the czech girls are considerably attractive, although i think they hold no candle to the croatian beauties, and i don't use this word lightly.

come nighttime, it was always the same procedure: head back to the hostel, clown and bard, that we were at, which by the way is an excellent place to make friends because they have a bar, and everyone is there at night. i mean everyone. from the person sleeping in the corner bed in the 32-bed dorm on the 7th floor to the front desk guy. after drinks, and making some friends, you head out to the clubs or a bar. the first night we hooked up with these 4 american boys from USC and went to the 5 level club. it was a tuesday and apparently not a good night because it's rest night for the czechs. yup, only one rest night, every other night, the clubs are always pumping.

a really good club though was roxy. everyone there was local, and i think we were the only tourists, which was really cool. party like a praguist.

in croatia it was pretty much the same story, except that the weather was tons better. in prague it felt bizzarely like a mild winter. unlike on the island of dubrovnik, glorious glorious sun. and dear god, beautiful beautiful people. where do they make such gorgeous girls??! i want to know! if i wasn't asian and thus unavoidable special, i think i would have dug a hole in a ground to hide, or willingly laid on the ground so these gorgeous girls can step over me with their overflowing bossoms and endless endless legs. long. toned. bronzed. damn.

in croatia, theres no sand. the beaches are almost always pebbled. but the water is ridiculously clear. and salty. i was almost floating. and the sandwiches are pretty yummy too.

private accomodation outbeats the number of hostels and hotels though, so if you ever go to croatia, don't be suprised if an old lady pulls you aside and offers you a room at her place. it's not what you think. apparently in croatia, retired folks get only a hundred euros a month. which is peanuts.

all in all, an amazing trip. once again, i've lost the flow of writing. one thing i'm sure of, i'll never make it as a writer.

2006-08-06T11:27:00.000-07:00

duckie: "relax and just learn"

was that what i told duckie when she was abroad and i was at home?

the grass is really greener on the other side. but duckie's right. if you keep focusing on what you don't have, you'll never appreciate what you do have. which for me, is the freedom of anonymity (the act of being anonymous), for example, i was being rather rude to the sales girl in galerie (you could say i was being a bitch), but i was ok about it, becuase i would never go back there again.

shit. i am so bad at multi-tasking. i totally forgot what i wanted to write.

i miss you guys.

cleaning up my mess

2006-08-03T17:19:00.000-07:00

ok, so i made a mistake of telling my parents i have a blog. so i can't post anything juicy up there. but it's all gonna be here!

so, let's cut some fruits!

yes, lame. i know. but just a little funny, no?